First, you will need to find a plastic bag. Any plastic bag will do, but generally the bigger the bag, the more effective. Trash bags or large zip lock bags work really well for this.

Ok, so now you’ve got a plastic bag. Roll it up like you would a joint, long and skinny. Carefully insert it into your pee hole, all the way until only a little bit is still poking out. Now, grab the little bit poking out and forcefully rip it out as hard and fast as you can, shredding the lining of your urethra.

You’re not done yet. Once you have pulled out the bag from your pee hole, now wad it up and cram it up your ass. Leave a little tiny bit poking out, allow some time for your sphincter to return to its resting position, and then suddenly, forcefully, rip it out as hard and as fast as you can, causing lacerations to the lining of your bowels and your sphincter, possibly prolapsing your anus.

Now, pick up the bag by one corner and put it in your mouth and swallow it, but hang onto the one corner and do not swallow the whole bag completely. Fight your gag reflex and try to hold it there for a minute or two and then suddenly, forcefully, rip it out as hard and as fast as you possibly can, damaging your upper digestive tract.

At this time, you should be in a compromised condition. If not, repeat the process again but this time try to rip even harder and faster.

When ready, go to the hospital and seek medical treatment, and then call a lawyer and make a plan to file a lawsuit against the company who manufactured the bag. If the bag didn’t say “this bag is not a toy” you can sue them claiming that you thought it was a toy. If it DOES say “this bag is not a toy”, just sue them and claim that you can’t read or you can’t read English or something and that you thought it was a toy.

That is how you score a cool quick mil.