Let’s face it: our mascot, the Gaucho, is racist and it’s time for him to be murdered. Anyway, I have just the idea for a new, progressive mascot for your school. Her name is Tittypussy, and she’s a woke, sloppy goblin girl who rides around the campus on sweat-stained roller-skates and begs each student to come out as bi. If a student refuses to do so, Tittypussy will let out a shriek that has the frequency to change the student’s bodyhair to strawberry-blonde. Then Tittypussy will say, “Tough break, straighty. Have fun sticking out like a sore thumb should you ever visit a beach in Palestine.” At sporting events, instead of displaying kiss-cams on the jumbotron, Tittypussy will instead screen promos for her OnlyFans, which mainly consists of her getting off to the school flag. During halftime, Tittypussy will do her signature dance move: The Pop, Lock, and Swap It, where she’ll make the teams swap mouth-guards to reassure the fans that none of the players are homophobic. If either team refuses, she’ll take a knee for the rest of the game right in the middle of the field.