Let me tell you about “Bob.”

Bob lives about 45 minutes away from our house. My husband, Bob and his friends meet up to play Warhammer every week on Tuesdays-which is an additional half hour drive for Bob. So, rather than drive an hour and 15 minutes each way every week, Bob drives back from gaming to crash at our place. Every. Fucking. Week. Now, don’t get me wrong, we originally offered not realizing that Bob would not only take us up on the offer every week, but that he would take additional advantages such as;

Staying over the entire next day to play more Warhammer with my husband, despite any inconveniences it may cause (“Yeah, I know he usually helps the kids with their school, but, I mean, really, YOU could do that alone.”)

Complaining that I don’t have his favorite condiments in the house for his breakfast (“I really only like honey in my tea-not sugar. Don’t you have honey? Who doesn’t have honey?”)

Be kinda a little bit sexist towards me (“I mean, really, a good wife should have any condiment her husband could possibly want. Its your job to anticipate needs.”)

It finally ended one day when Bob woke up and my husband had to go into work that morning unexpectedly. Bob figured he would just wait around for my husband to get home (“He is only going to be gone for a few hours anyway.”) Bob proceeded to chew my ear off for said few hours. I had shit to do, but instead I was stuck entertaining Bob, in lieu of my husband.

After 3 hours, Bob says “Oh my goodness! Its lunchtime already! Lets go out to lunch!”

“Bob…My husband will be home at any moment. How do you think he is going to feel if he comes home to an empty house to discover that his friend and his wife spent all morning alone together and then decided to go out to lunch?”

“But! I wouldn’t! Its not like that! He knows I wouldn’t”

“Its not about would and wouldn’t Bob. Its about how it looks. And that… would look… bad, Bob.”

“Oh my God. Do you think I should just go? We’ve spent all morning together.”

“Its up to you, Bob.”

“I’ll… I’ll just go.”

As Bob gets into his car, my husband is pulling into the driveway. Bob panics and drives off without a word. My husband, who gives no fucks, walks into the house. I tell my husband what happened. He chuckles and says “I don’t think I’ll say anything to him. Perhaps its best he just stews on it and learns something.”

Bob hasn’t spent the night since.