Its great to be American. After being awoken today by the sound of gunshots, I army crawled into the kitchen to make breakfast like I always do. I turned on the news (only sound now because of all the bullet holes in the screen) and the weatherman said to expect 3-5 inches of lead today. Great, that’s less than usual. I grabbed a fresh gun out of the cabinet and began to eat my cereal with the spoon attachment that the lax laws in the US allow me to have, but first, I notice my neighbor is outside! We exchange pleasantries and fire. I can hear a heavy machine gun rattling off a few houses down. “Sounds like Jim’s got the .50 Cal out.” I say.

“Yep”, replies my neighbor, “he always trims the hedges on Friday. God bless him and America” we give each other parting shots as we dive into the trenches that lead back into our bullet-riddled home. Out in front I can hear a cop killing someone’s dog. Which is strange because usually by this time of day theyve already shot everyone’s dogs. Ah well, I just hope today isn’t another “designated workplace shooting day” at work. I need to go to Walmart and pick up some more ammo.