Every fucking time I buy a frozen pizza, I put that sassy bitch in right when I start the oven. Why? Because I’ve figured it out. That’s right Uncle Sam, I’m onto you.

The directions for my favorite pizza is to heat the oven to 425F and cook for 15 minutes. My oven takes 14 minutes to preheat. So, this whole cooking process takes about 30 minutes? No way. Not chance in hell, buckaroo. When I shove my pizza in that oven prematurely, I add 3-4 minutes to compensate. This means I wait a total of 18-19 minutes vs 30. And guess what? It tastes fucking delicious. Ask any of my friends. I cook them frozen pizzas all the time, and they can’t get enough, thanks to my unequivocal superior intelligence. The pizza turns out just fine, and it poses no health threat. Source: I’ve been doing this for 12 years.

So nice try, Mr. President. I know you want all of us to cook our pizzas for that extra 10 minutes to make us use a little extra electricity. Maybe it isn’t significant if one person cooks their frozen Italian love pie for 10 extra minutes, but you’re a thinker. You’re looking at the grand scheme of things. MILLIONS of people cooking their pizza for 10 minutes extra? That’s straight theft, my man. And I ain’t giving in to that scheme .