Jenkem has changed my life.
I used to be addicted to marijuana. I was hardcore addicted. I remember sucking dick for a hit of some purple haze on the streets of Philadelphia. My life was going nowhere and I had cut all connections with all of my family and friends. I was a wreck. Every day at 6 AM I would stumble into my apartment, breath smelling of semen and pot, landlord yelling at me from his window to pay the rent or get the fuck out before he blows my brains out, and crash onto my bed. I’d sleep all day until 9 PM, then I’d go out and do it all again. Marijuana was the center of my life. It controlled everything I did. Any action I ever took was always to get a hit of the Devil’s Lettuce. It was inevitable that soon it would be the end of me.
One night I managed to score an entire gram of marijuana. I had never been so ecstatic in my life. I found a nice alleyway and put the whole gram in my tin foil pipe at once. I smoked the entire gram right then and there. The last thing I remember was trying to stand and seeing Satan, standing at the other end of the alley, ready to take me to hell. I accepted I was going to die and fell over. I gave up. It was over.
I woke up 3 days later in a hospital. I had been in a coma. The doctor told me it was the worst marijuana overdose he had ever seen. A homeless man had found me in the alley and gotten help for me. They said I barely made it and I was lucky to be alive. I had no visitors at the hospital. In fact, my family didn’t even know I was ever in the hospital that day. They still don’t. I checked myself out of the hospital later that day and as I was leaving a dirty, scruffy looking man approached me. He told me he was the man who’d saved me. I thanked him but hurried away. I knew I should say more, or at least make my thank you sound more convincing, but I didn’t want to face reality. I didn’t want to believe any of that ever happened. I just wanted to smoke some more pot and forget. I was right back on the streets looking for someone who wanted their dick sucked in exchange for marijuana. Before long I ran into that homeless man who saved me again. He told me he could help me. I told him I didn’t want help. But he insisted I listen. He said he had something better than marijuana. Something that could make my wildest dreams come true. Something that was completely free. He hooked me in when he said it was free. He handed me a balloon. He said to huff the gas inside. I didn’t even question it, I just inhaled.
It was like sucking a fart out of my Uncle Ronald’s ass. It was terrible tasting. I was only able to hold it in for a few seconds. I coughed and gagged and vomited everywhere. It felt as if my lungs had literally filled with shit. I couldn’t breathe. But after about one minute, it all changed. I took a deep breath. As fresh air filled my lungs I felt something that I never felt before. It was a feeling that I didn’t know I could feel. I was standing on a hilltop, looking out at the sunset. I was experiencing the most intense euphoria ever. I turned around and there was my family and all of my childhood friends having a picnic. They smiled at me and invited me to have some potato salad. I gladly accepted. I ate the potato salad and talked and laughed with my family and friends. I felt so happy, I started to cry. Just then my landlord came up to me and told me I could stay in my apartment for as long as I wanted, and I would never have to pay a single dollar. Soon after, a beautiful blonde woman came to me with a suitcase. She opened the suitcase to reveal $5,000,000 in cash. She whispered in my ear, “It’s all ours babe.” We then kissed. One thing led to another and soon we were making sweet passionate love right where I had been eating with my family moments ago. It was the best experience I ever had. It was a shame when right before I came I suddenly woke up in the alley feeling lame and full of shame. The homeless man stood over me and told me I’d been out for three hours. He asked how it was. I told him it was life changing. And it really was.
Since that day 8 years ago I have completely turned my life around. I stopped smoking marijuana. I was finally able to end my craving for it by doing jenkem every day. I do three balloons every day- one when I wake up, one after lunch, and one before bed. I make it all by myself, only having to spend money on balloons. My wife disagrees with my jenkem use, but she allows me to do it as long as it keeps me from doing marijuana. And yes- I am married now. After I discovered jenkem and stopped smoking pot I went on to go to law school and become a successful attorney. I ended up falling in love with the sister of the homeless man who saved me. She is not homeless. She is a beautiful woman, who looked much like the one from my first jenkem experience. Her name is Martha and I love her more than anything in the world, besides our two year old son Daniel. Since finding jenkem I have also started talking to my family and old friends again. They are all very proud of me and it feels great to once again have their support and their love. As of now, Martha, Daniel, and I live in a very nice house outside of Hollywood, since Martha is an actress. I love my life right now. It’s damn near perfect. It’s all thanks to jenkem that I could be here today. If I stopped doing it, I’m not sure what would happen. But so long as I can shit, I can keep making it, so I don’t have to worry about that. If you haven’t tried jenkem, I would recommend it. It could do for you what it did for me. It is truly a life changing substance.
As for the homeless man who helped me out so much, he’s dead. He overdosed on crack about a week after he introduced me to jenkem. – That’s how I met Martha- at his funeral. Anyway, I just wanna take this last bit of time to thank that homeless man. You were my guardian angel. You helped save my life. You taught me to jenk. Thank you. Fuck I wish I could remember your name.