Next we have the APGAR Score. So the APGAR Score is a rating system used by hospitals to determine how healthy a newborn baby is on a scale of 0 to 10. It’s called APGAR based on its five criteria, which include: appearance, pulse, grimace, activity, and respiration, and each of these is rated on a scale from 0 to 2 to get your final score. I think this set of standards is a little flawed. Here’s an example. “Well, it’s completely blue, and it doesn’t really wanna move at all, but it’s got a really fast heartbeat and it’s screaming really loudly. I’d give this baby like a 6 out of 10. That’s good enough.”

So in response, I’ve invented my own rating system. It’s called the RAGU Score. R is for reflexes. It’s common knowledge that if you hold any healthy baby by its feet and then drop it, it’ll always land upright. If your baby can’t do that, that’s a sure sign that it’s defective. A is for abnormality. If your baby seems weird, that’s typically a good indicator that it’s weird. G still stands for grimace, just like in the APGAR Test, only instead of looking at the baby’s facial expression, you just bring Grimace from McDonald’s into the room and see how the baby reacts. If it starts crying, that’s a good sign because Grimace is absolutely f*cking terrifying. And finally, U is for ugliness, just because that might sway your decision on whether or not you wanna keep it.

Now, if the baby passes the test, it gets to go home. But if it fails, then it gets shipped off to the factory and made into Ragú, hence the name of the test. Some people might be upset by this fact, but you know what they say: Prego today, Ragú tomorrow. Anyway, that’s all I have for today. Till next time, I’m Sam O’Nella and thank you for watching.

Today’s video has been sponsored by Ragú Brand Pasta Sauce. Like the taste of pureed infants? Then you’ll love Ragú Pasta Sauce.