How much of our current day suffering is based on assumption, especially in relationship?
When we’ve experienced not having our needs met as children or have experienced physical, mental or emotional abuse, when we have grown into adulthood with these experiences unattended to, we can tend to barrel through life in a state of hyper vigilance.
For instance, if we did not experience secure and consistent connections with our primary caregivers, this can often manifest in adulthood as fear of being abandoned and cheated on by our partners. We then keep an eagle eye out for anything that has even the smallest whiff of being ignored, replaced or left. An observation of ‘My partner is on their phone a lot today’ or ‘Why are they in a bad mood?’ or feeling as though there may not be quite as much care and attention coming our way in that particular moment as there usually is, can very quickly ricochet off into ‘They’re seeing someone else’ or ‘They are going to leave me, I KNEW it’.
And sometimes our ‘intuition’ is correct and sometimes it’s not intuition at all, sometimes it is a fear response that has been triggered. Often it is our wounding surfacing, our inner child asking to be nurtured, to feel safe, to know that they aren’t going to be left for some, most likely imaginary, newer shiner model. And sometimes, left unchecked, this can cause US ourselves to behave in ways that erode the security of the relationship and therefore becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. (Ooof – ouch, for everyone involved).
If you’ve experienced this, or do experience this, I want to you take a breath, put your hand on your heart, sit with the feeling, ask yourself;
‘What am I feeling in this moment?’
‘How can I support myself in this feeling?’
‘Where might this feeling track back to a childhood experience of not having my needs met or feeling abandoned?’
‘Is what I’m feeling in this moment true?’
‘Is this showing me that I perhaps am putting all of my needs onto someone else, if so, what steps can I take to meet my own needs and feel safer?’
‘How can I approach my partner (after I’ve taken the time to self soothe and come back to a loving space) in such a way that I am coming from a space of gentle expression of unmet needs rather than an accusatory framework?’
And perhaps even
‘Am I, however unconsciously, choosing to enter into experiences of relationship where I am having that archetype of someone who is unable to meet my needs come up again and again?’
Or
‘How can I perhaps adjust the way I enter into relationship and create a safe container of communication from the get go?’
Have you experienced this? How does it show up for you?