They just kinda jut out right at me, ya know? I’ll be minding my own business walking down the sidewalk in that spastic way that let’s people know I need a wide berth, and then wham! A lady walks by with her yams jammin’ right at me! Am I supposed to just ignore her, those? Hey, when the street slingin’ melon man is a-callin’ I turn my head. How is this any different?

And before I can crank my head back up to it’s normal walking position blammo! Another buxom dame comes sashaying into my purview and her taters are tottin’. C’mon! Ya know I gotta give a gape-mawed peek! A tongue waggle autoresponse!

They bounce like that are their own or are you doing it just to make me walk silly? Huh? Heaving them breasts about like that has me walking about like I’m getting a vicious slobjob from a shameless and vindictive ghost!

Your boobs! You have boobs! I can’t help but look, maybe mime a honk or two or three or all the way home with the kinda stupor your just put me in with your jug a-luggin’.

And then that’s not it! There are ladies everywhere! There are boobs everywhere! I only have so many secret napkins I can blast clandestine wads into before I’m forced to cream my shorts straight up. Those. Are. Boobs! I can’t avoid them! I can’t control what they do to me.

Ladies? Please, ladies, I implore you, can you do something about your boobs? I love ’em to death, but ladies, I’m telling you, I’m gonna love them to death. My death! The way you just have boobs like that is gonna be the end of me one of these days. I have no doubt in my mind about that.