Since the dawn of time, mankind has eaten breakfast. Cereal is one of the most common breakfast foods, and is often paired with milk. While milk is not mandatory, and there are multiple kinds of “milk products” such as almond or rice milk, cereals are marketed to be paired with milk, and milk often increases the flavor or texture of the cereal. Thus, it is safe to assume that cereal and milk are to be a pair.

However, there is one troubling thing with the cereal and milk relationship. The order that the two foods should be combined together is a point of a largely one-sided struggle. All sensible people pour the cereal first, and then they pour the milk. There are a few heathens who decide to reverse the natural order of things, but this is a topic for another day. The natural order of cereal, and then milk, is indisputable.

“There is another.” These words were spoken by Yoda, and they bring us to our next point. Cookies, like cereal, can be eaten in a variety of ways. Cookies are often quite good by themselves, but another common pairing for cookies is milk. Specifically, dunking cookies into milk. The natural order of this process is pouring milk into a container, and then dunking the cookies into the containers of milk. If you are to pair cookies with milk, the order in which they are paired is the milk first, and then the cookies.

Now, it is time to discuss Cookie Crisp. Cookie Crisp is a cereal produced by General Mills to be a cookie-based breakfast cereal. The first Cookie Crisp mascot, Cookie Jarvis, was a wizard that would magically change bowls of cereal into cookie jars. Then, the cereal’s mascot changed to Cookie Crook and Cookie Cop, who attempted to steal a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or protect it, respectively. The next mascot was Chip the Dog, who would offer Cookie Crisp to a group of kids. After this, an adult would interfere on the grounds that cookies are not a breakfast food. Near the end of the ads, after eating the cookies, the adults would change their minds. From these advertisements, it’s safe to assume that Cookie Crisp sits on the line between cereal and cookie.

You may argue that Cookie Crisp is not actually cookies, and is instead a cereal made to taste like cookies, but I ask you this: What is a cookie? A miserable little pile of dough or batter that is usually fried or baked in small flat shapes to make a breadlike food, according to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary. Cereal is made from wheat, rice, cornmeal, barley, oats, or other grains. Dough is made from flour, which is a type of grain, albeit not one used as the main ingredient in cereal since 1863. This creates a cereal-cookie relationship, where both foods are similar to each other but have noticeable differences. The similarities between cereals such as Cheerios or Lucky Charms to cookies are minimal, to the point where the connecting thread is too small to be substantial, especially when there are other foods that have a much closer thread and yet are considered separate. However, Cookie Crisp is different. From the flavoring, to the ingredients, to the goal of its creation, it is fair to say Cookie Crisp is much more like the standard cookie than other cereals. But it isn’t right to simply group Cookie Crisp as a cereal, or as a cookie. It sits on the line between the two. We, as a society, should judge it not only as a cereal, but as a cookie as well.

It is only fair for us to judge Cookie Crisp using both the guidelines for cereal and the guidelines for cookies. So I ask you this: Should you pour the milk in the container first so you can dunk the Cookie Crisp? Or should you pour the Cookie Crisp in first, to pour the milk in after? As you can see, there is no clear correct answer. This means, that if you were to eat Cookie Crisp, you violate the natural order in one way or another. You are either denouncing the laws of cereal, or the laws of the cookie and milk partnership. Thus, Cookie Crisp should be discontinued. It is a vile temptress that seduces humanity into breaking the natural order of things. If we want to live in a civilized society, one in which we can grow and flourish, there are certain things that must be respected. Cookie Crisp is toying with the fabric of space and time, and I for one will not stand idly by and wait for this cursed creation to tear apart our reality. A war is coming, a war that will surely change the way we live our lives. Will you fight with us? Or will you perish like a dog?