I’m currently at the park so I’m a little time rushed but I have to get this off my chest before it’s too late.

To be clear, I mean the FBI seriously fucked up. I mean it literally. No this isn’t about that Trump house raid or nuclear codes or all that, the FBI permanently destroyed their reputation a few a week ago when me and some other federal agents were tasked with keeping tabs on some teenagers who were spending way too much time watching hentai. No big deal, right? Wrong. Normally, we’d do some investigating and we’d find out the kid was doing something simple like mailing pipe bombs to federal offices or organizing a kidnapping raid on the Governor of Michigan or something that white kids like to do, but this was way different. It turns out this kid was fucking pigeons.

Strange, right? That’s definitely a federal crime, so we prepared ourselves to intervene. Me and my team mobilized about 23 individual agents to keep watch on this man all through the month of July, and kept tabs on where he went, what he did, and most importantly, how many pigeons he fucked. By the second week we had lost count. We were only three hours away from moving in and brutally detaining him(he was white, so we couldn’t shoot him), when the unexpected happened. You see, this kid happened to have a neighbor named Jamal(who we were already watching for obvious reasons), and the kid had paid this Jamal several hundred dollars to fuck a pigeon as well. Normally, we’d take this as an excuse to manhandle an innocent Middle-Eastern man, but that plan was not to be.

We had Jamal under constant camera footage since the minute he had arrived in the United States, this including his apartment. I had my video forensics team review the footage of him attempting intercourse with a pigeon, and the rest of us went out to eat lunch. When we got back, however, all hell broke loose. You see, up until then, we never had camera footage of the pigeons and their sexual escapades, only what we knew through social media posts. The footage had apparently been so sexually arousing that my forensics officers couldn’t keep their pants on. We walked in to the most astoundingly raging erections that I had ever seen, and I worked on the Epstein case. They had completely covered their computers and their clothes in, minimum, several ounces of cum, and they had completely passed out. The rest of my team decided to review the footage, and we understood immediately what had happened. Within the first few seconds I was harder than I had ever been before in my life, longer than my cock had been ever before(2 in). I saw the pigeon and it awoke a pure primal urge inside of me like I had never felt before. Before Jamal had even begun to thrust, I had already orgasmed. By halfway through the video, I had passed out.

When I woke up, I saw my lieutenant above me. He demanded to know what happened, and I laid out my version of events like I had here. He said he would have to review the footage himself and verify the claims I had made. The very next morning I found out he had called in sick to work. It was clear from his office as to why. Worst of all, he had sent the footage to other forensic teams. By the end of the day, the entire FBI had gone home after seeing the video.

I have no doubt word will soon spread to the media. I have no idea what other departments are affected by this horrible chain of events, but I imagine it will be obvious soon. The video can only tide us over so long. Soon I will need the real thing. I can already hear the cooing. As much as we tried to get one up on Jamal, we lost ourselves in the process. The terrorists really did win after all.