Unfortunately this isn’t really a love letter, but I really need some advice and I’m too embarrassed to ask any of my friends in case they snitch.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I love him but my feelings have faded a little bit. We have been together since high school and we go great together. We are also both doing the exact same course, and I have him in heaps of my subjects. Being with him is so simple because we enjoy all of the same things and have all of the same friends. I’m not sure if I’m willing to give that up because I love him with all of my heart, however there are some things I just can’t get over and I’m not sure if I would consider them dealbreakers. For example, he likes me calling him daddy which I kind of find a little bit weird. He’s also shorter than me and I know it’s really superficial to pick on something like that but I feel like a giraffe every time I kiss him. My parents also don’t really like him that much as he’s an atheist. I do love him, don’t get me wrong, but lately I have felt like God has been testing me and sending me signs that we aren’t meant to be.

Around three weeks ago I was walking through campus to get to my class when a guy approached me with flyers. (I’ll call him Flyer Boy for the sake of this post) He was incredibly cute, and had little dimples every time he smiled. He was the polar opposite to my boyfriend but he was attractive in the ratty skater boy kind of way.

I kind of felt bad if I ignored him especially considering he was so nice so I politely stopped to listen whilst all of my friends ditched me. I was torn between going with them and talking to this boy who was probably going to try and get me to become a communist. He ended up giving me a flyer and invited me to join this socialist group (surprise, surprise). Flyer boy could sense I was reluctant but insisted I should at least attend the introductory party on the upcoming Saturday and give it a chance.

Anyways he really hyped me up and I was actually super keen to go. On Saturday, I ended up lying to my boyfriend and told him I was going to the library. I’m a really good girl and I don’t really go to parties so he believed me even though the library is actually closed on Saturday’s. I felt horrible I’m not really sure why I lied, especially because he’s never treated me like I was anything less than Mother Mary.

I nearly chickened out but I ended up going to the party. When I arrived I was really confused. Turns out I didn’t join a socialist club, but a Christian BDSM cult and the party I went to was a sex society party.

I have always been open to new experiences so I didn’t think there would be any harm in staying for a little bit. Flyer Boy gave me (I think it was a tab?) and it felt amazing. The night went by quickly. Long story short I’m pregnant and I don’t know who the father is. The only boy I have ever been with before was my boyfriend and he would break up with me if he found out I had been with other people.

I am really interested in Flyer Boy but he is really religious (more Christian than me) and I don’t think he would let me get an abortion if he knew. If it’s my boyfriends baby I’ll get rid of it but I’m not sure whose it is and I don’t know what to do. My parents are really strict and would disown me if they found out. I don’t know if I should keep the baby and break up with my boyfriend, or just not tell anyone and abort the child in secret? I’m also not sure if I should stay with my boyfriend or be with Flyer Boy? They’re both lovely but in different ways. I want both, and Flyer Boy has said that my boyfriend is more than welcome to attend the next party but I don’t think he’s into that sort of thing. Flyer Boy is better in bed but I don’t know if he would stick around long term. I’m really stressed I don’t know what I should do? No hate please I know I messed up.